


Unrequited

by OneMadHatt



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Depression, F/M, Unrequited Love, still not sure what all to tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-01
Updated: 2017-12-01
Packaged: 2019-02-09 07:02:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,623
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12882612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OneMadHatt/pseuds/OneMadHatt
Summary: Lucretia has feelings and it sucks.





	Unrequited

Lucretia didn’t actually know when she started to have feelings for Magnus. Looking back, there was always a kernel of something there. Magnus was handsome and warm, if a bit reckless. It wasn’t until the 65th cycle she realized it. Being alone and struggling for survival gave her a lot of time to think. Somehow, those thoughts always turned to Magnus. She of course thought of the others, and fought to save them as well, but in her darkest moments she thought of Magnus and his strength to help her push on.

That cycle may have changed her, gave her more confidence in herself and taught her how to lead, but at her core she was still the same person. She never told Magnus how she felt, never really thinking he felt the same. She saw how Barry and Lup loved each other, something Lucretia desperately longed for. But she also saw how they both knew, how naturally they came to be. She knew that Magnus never felt the same. Instead, she threw herself into her work, looking for anyway to stop the Hunger.

The worst day of her life was when she resolved to save her friends. She saw it all, how seeing all the carnage and destruction the relics caused tore them apart inside. After Lup went missing, Lucretia felt like there was no other choice. Tears filled her eyes as she collected her journals. She held them to her chest for a minute, building up the nerve. Finally she began to to feed Fisher a century, when her door burst open. She turned around, and felt her heart fall to her stomach.

“God Magnus, no...You weren’t supposed to see this, I’m so sorry Magnus” Lucretia tried to say through tears, each word catching on her throat. Why did it have to be Magnus? Shaking, she felt her body go slowly numb, the feeling enveloping her like an electric shock.

“What are you do- what?” Magnus began. Lucretia didn’t know if Magnus was shocked, confused, or if Fisher’s powers were beginning to take effect. He made no motion to stop her, just stood there, staring. She could feel any love he had for her slip away.

“Magnus, please- this is just for a little bit, I’m gonna stop this, what we’ve done to this world.” Lucretia pleaded, mostly to herself. “I’m gonna find you a place where you can be happy again, it’s just for a little while, and then, you’ll remember. I promise.” She tried to justify what she was doing. That this was needed to save her friends from whatever fate befell Lup. She needed him to say something, to tell her that it will all work out, that she will be strong enough to do this.

“Who...are you?” The words were like a dose of Silverpoint. She knew it was coming, but that didn’t make it any easier. Magnus fell to a knee and shook his head, his breath heavy. Lucretia looked at the love of her life, at the man who never knew her feelings, and saw that he no longer knew her. She thought it would hurt more, but she just felt numb now. She walked over to him, disturbingly calm.

 

 

“I̶ c̷an̨ d͜o th̶is̓̐ͨ ̢ͥ̑ͭM͊̒̌ͩ̊̄́aͮ͒gͪ͛͑҉nͭu͂̀͗̀şͨ̆ͧ̋ͭ̾p̙̠̘̞̝̰̔̍̒̄ͬ̀̚l͔̘̯̗̲͎̆ͪ̆ͩ͒̂̚͞e̖͈̥͚͛̀ͯ͂ͦ̍̚a̗͚ͮ͂ͅs̲ͮ͑ͅͅeͯ̆͌ͭͤ̒̚,̡̱̦͚̱͉ͮͮ̃ͤͯ ̙̭̝̼͑ͪͣ̓p͕͖̬͖̞͖̩ĺ̸͙̠ͨ̏e͔̯͓͇͚a̳̞̯͜s̱̝͍ͨ͟ę͕͈͈̹̍̍̇̐ ͙̤̝̺͎̍ĵ̻͉̫̪̮͔͠u̶̙͆̆̎̐̓ͯ̚s̮͙̗̙͕̣̼̆ͫ̇̌t͈͍̟͙̙͉͞ ̎͆́ͭ̅ͪ̇͏̭̣͖̗l̟̣̭͙̟iͤ͒̎͋̆k͚̳̙͋̋̽e͞ ̞̭̙͍ͣ͋d̗̫̺͖̊̑ͨ͠o̪̝̝͖ͬ̃̿ͣ̏̚͘w̩̫̥͈̱̽̓ͨ̃̋̓̑ͅņ̧͚̫͓̠͍͔̂̊͛ͩ̎̓̋ͭ̋ͭ̚ͅİ̵͉̟̖̗̥ͪͅ ͙̣̞͂͠͞d̢̰͈̝͙͋ͦ̉͠͡ơͤ͌̑ͦ̍ͬͭ̈́͏̙͕̖͉͓̼̱͔͇ň̵̙̣̦̣̖̺̰̥̋́ͅ’̠̫̱̜͍̆̓͌̌͊̑ͤ̔t̗̟͈͈͕̄̊̾͝ ̛̻̦̘͎̲̉͂ͪ̎ͭ̇͋͛ẁ̛̼͈͔͍̈͐̐a̸̛̺ͥͬ̔ͥn̢̦̣͔͋͆͒̔ͤ͝͡t͇̬̠͖̳̹̖̝̑ͮ̉͑̅ͨ ͓̞̯̤̗͗̏̿ͬ͡y̖̯͓͙̮ͭ͛ͨ̌o̸̰̮͒̑̿̂̈͂͌u̯̠͇͙̤͓̪͋ͮ̓̕̕ ̧̼̰̟ͪ͌̃̾̔ͦͯ͠t̥̘͙̦̱̩̆ͧ̀̈̒̋ͤ̚̚͞ͅö̶̙͇͔̻̯͈̰̝́̊͊ͩͪ͊ͯͦ̆͢ ̷͍̹̣̬͙̉̈́͂͂̋ͧ̾͐͡f̢͇̙͖̜̭͛̕a̛̖̼̹̠̝ͪͦͮ͂̀ͅl̰̲̱͉̙̓̆̆ͩͭ̎ͦ̆ľ̝̗̅̾̇͜ ͐̿̉͊͂͢͏̹̯̹̫̗a̸̤̘͕͓̓̽̈̍n̸̢͍͚͋̍͗ͬ͆͐̎ͭ̚d̫͔̮̹̹̫̠ͬ̆̽͞ ̱̱͈̖̬̘̙͍ͬͨ̃͊h̴̳͚͚̋̉̊̇̽ͫ̏̆û̷̻͕͍̬̜̱͐r̎͏̯ṫ͖͉̬̀ͣ̑ͧͭͦ ̡̹͔͙ͧͣ͗͐͑͠y̢̻͎͎ͨ̚oͣͧ͋́ͯ̑͊҉̩̮̞̯̰̬̮ų̠̻̦͇͆ͩ͐ͦ̌̄͒ͥȓ̙̬̯͍ͥ̾ͩ̄̉ͧͅṣ̡̝͕͉̫̎͒ͩͯ̀ę̱̳̹̫̾ͪ̂ͥ̚l̲̗̪͚͚͍͓͛̍̔̏ͧͦ̕ͅͅf̷̬̖̗̫̪̬͖͔͂ͅ. Iͩ͋ͪ̈́̈̀́͋͐͌̄͊͊̔͏̵̧̫̻̬̹̥̠̝͇̼̼ ̸̶̨̣͍̝͔̰͈̰͖̻͕̭͙̳̘͕͈̤ͨͫͪ̐͋͐̏ͬ̃̃̌͞ͅl͂̾̒̌̅̃̅ͫ҉͎̳̗̰͕̼̻͎͚̲͘o̷͉͙̜͉̝͚͍̺̯͍͇̝̱̝͔̿̀ͪ̑ͭ̆̈́͑̚̚͟ͅv̋̄̽̋ͧ̈̈́̅̀̉ͧ̾̆̄ͯ҉̵̩̮̱͉̕̕̕e̛͆ͥ͋̓͆͛̂̌͏̴̛̻̫̪͕͉͉̹̙͍̺̪̞̭͚͎̹̼͞ ̡̹̙͚̫̞̰͚̪ͨ́̑̉ͥ̓ͩ̄̆̏͒̾̕͝y̢̧͚̭͎̯̺̭͍͇̙͉͈͚͔̳̩̼̱̗̤͋̌̎ͤ̊̌͆͘͡o̷̷̵̠̠͉̟̖̣͈̳̱̠̞͇͕̣͙͈͍͙͐̒ͭͩ̽̑͒ͣ̀͡ų̧̫͚͖̘̯͈̗̗͍͙̰͉͊͆̓̌̇̿ ̢͔̻͇̭̺̹͚͍̤̰͓̹̺̱̱̺̊̆̈́́͟͠Mͫ̓̽̀͛͗̀ͮ̅̏̉͆̂̓̎̑͏̺̮̦̪̝͚̙̟̠ḁ̫̼͍̣̻̭͍͈̟̪͖̪̫̪̤̝̦̱ͧ̓̔̄̀̍ͯͨ͐̒͆̋̇ͯ̕̕͞g̴̤̯̘͇̻̞͇͉̥̟͇͙͉̰̤͗̀̽͊̒͛̀ͫ̃̏̐ͭ͛͆̃̇̋̾̓͝n̨̗̪͈̫͕̲̩͔̻̭̿ͧ̐̏̐̋̋̿̇ͤ͋̔ͥ̉̚͡͠u̷͈̺͓̣̹͎͇̙̝̤̘̙͍̖͇̽̐ͬ͆ͥͦs̨̡̪̲̗͙͖̟͉̱̄̾̈ͧͥ̀̆̇̐ͧͬͨ̊ͤ̒”

 

 

The years that followed were hard. Without anyone to remember them, finding the Relics were near impossible, and she had no idea what happened to Barry. Again, she tried to rely on the memories of her friends, of her conviction, to try to help her through. It was far more difficult than before. I was much longer than a single year, and she found that the thought of Magnus pained her far too much to try to think of him for support. That didn’t prevent her mind from wandering to him, especially when she was alone. The more she tried to avoid it, the more painful it was. She had dreams of her waking up next to him. Of them walking through Neverwinter. Of them attending matches at Chaos Stadium. Every single one of them just pushed the dagger further into her heart. She did eventually learn of Julia, but Lucretia stopped herself from learning more. Again, it didn’t stop Lucretia from wondering. She never met Julia, but Lucretia envisioned her as beautiful, warm, confident. Everything Lucretia felt like she was not. Over time her thoughts and pain carved a crater in her chest. In time she learned to suppress her emotions there, allowing her to present a calm exterior when needed, even when Magnus and the others returned to her.

It wasn’t until about a month after the Day of Story and Song Lucretia decided to confess to Magnus. She had been so wrong about so much, she hoped she had been wrong about this. She had called him to her office, hoping that it would help to calm her nerves. She paced the floor waiting for him, her heart in her stomach. She lost her will, but it was too late to tell him to leave, he would be worried. Finally, she heard a knock at her door.

“Come in.” she said, far more shakily than she intended. She cleared her throat as the door opened. Magnus walked in and gave Lucretia a warm smile.

“So, whatcha want to talk about?”

Such a simple and obvious question, but it cause Lucretia’s mind to go blank. She had prepared a whole heartfelt speech. About how he was able to get through a year on her own, about how much she cared for him, about how just by existing he saved her life. She tried to open her mouth to say something but found no words. She turned from him, trying to collect her thoughts. She realized she was shaking.

“Lucretia? ...is everything ok?”

She took a deep breath and closed her eyes.

“I want to tell you something, please let me finish before you say anything.” She said without turning to him. Lucretia imagined what Magnus must look like, how confused he must look and feel right now. She remembered how he looked before, and forced the image from her mind.

“When I was on my own, during the cycle I was captured, I used the thought of you to survive.” She stopped for a second, trying to think of what to say next. She took another deep breath, “That year, I realized how much I rely on you, how much more I care about you.” Her mouth was dry. She acutely felt the crater in her chest, and impulsively tried to cover it with her arms. She knew what was coming next and she dreaded it. Not only was she worried that Magnus would react badly, but she knew how poor words were, especially for someone who was supposed to be good with them. She took a long deep breath, and just blurted it out. “Magnus, I love you.”

The words left her mouth, but she didn’t hear them. She felt her knees begin to go weak. She thought she was going to vomit. She felt like she was out of sync with her body, like she was in a dream. She was snapped back to reality when Magnus gently grabbed her shoulder and turned her to face him. She felt tears she didn’t remember crying on her cheeks. Magnus gave her a smile and pulled her into a hug. She gripped him tightly. At this moment, she had no concept of time. She felt like she was in his arms forever and all too briefly. When he finally pulled away, Lucretia could see he was holding back tears.

“Lucretia, thank you for telling me” Magnus said, taking her hands into his, “But my heart will always belong to Julia”

Lucretia gave a weak smile. “I know,” she said, burying her emotions in her chest, “but after everything that has happened, nothing should be left unsaid.” Magnus said something, but she didn’t really hear him. She was focusing all of her energy on keeping herself together. Magnus left soon after, and Lucretia locked the door behind him and leaned against it. She began to break almost immediately. She cast Silence on the room, it taking multiple attempts as her hands were shaking too hard for the incantation to finish properly. Once the spell was finally finished, she let go. She slid to the floor and began sobbing uncontrollably. It just hurt so much. She hated Julia. She hated that Julia made Magnus so happy. She hated that Magnus knew such happiness without her. She hated herself for hating someone she didn’t know. She hated herself for hating someone that made Magnus so happy.

Still crying, she forced herself to her feet and made her way to her desk. She sat down and pulled out a quill. Over the years, she found a way to cope with her emotions, when they welled over too much. She reached under her desk and unlocked a secret compartment, and pulled out her diary. She pulled it to her chest, trying to push into her, trying to fill the crater that had only widened over the years, and now felt like it replaced her heart. She placed the diary on the table, tears hitting the cover. She slowly turned the pages, skimming over the pages that held her feelings for the past few years. Finally, she came to a blank page. She took a deep breath, wiped the tears from her eyes, and dipped her quill into the inkwell. She took a moment to calm down, and to collect her thoughts. And she wrote.


End file.
